Last night I went to my first healing service. I never would have gone on my own, but my mother-in-law has been inviting me for a few months now, so I went. Knock long enough and the door opens.

At one point in the night, I went to confession to a priest I’ve never met, and I told him about the trauma of learning at age 16 that I was born without a uterus. I told him that I didn’t even feel like I belong at a “women’s night” when I’m missing something that is so central to what we perceive womanhood to be. Little girls play with baby dolls, and as Christians we hold a deep love and admiration for the mother of Jesus. I didn’t even know if I would be allowed to be married. I didn’t know how a potential husband would take the news. Pregnancies and talk of “starting a family” bring up a host of traumatic memories and wounds so deep that many will never understand. We talked about that for a long time. And he said something to me that no one has ever said before.

“As much as you’ve cried over this, since age 16, God cried more.”

The priest continued, “He loves life, He loves babies! He didn’t plan for this to happen to you. He is right there with you.”

I have never “blamed” God for MRKH, but I always just kind of assumed that he must be ok with it, since he allowed it. But there is evil in the world as a result of sin, and it has nothing to do with the paradise that God originally planned. There is physical evil, like Ebola and cancer and the common cold, and there is natural evil, like hurricanes and tornadoes… and being born without a uterus. He didn’t want this to happen. It wasn’t part of the plan. It grieves him too.

He cried more.

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8 thoughts on “He Cried More

  1. Dear Connie– What a beautiful post. I am still trying to find for you the quote from Nick Healy—theologian – about how in sacramental marriage—the couple together create a “new person”—a new reality that is the union of their two bodies and souls—a trinitarian concept—Katrina Zeno explained it to me when she was in town—but I had never heard it before and still am perplexed by the thought though intuitively after 38 years of marriage I have experienced it. I will keep exploring it.

    But the thought of God crying more—is quite accurate—if you have never read “He and I” – Our Lord’s words to visionary Gabrielle Bossis—you will be amazed at the tender heart of Our Lord who loves us infinitely—so much that he loves us as though we were God!!! With our without a uterus. I hope you have a blessed Christmas== and I look forward to meeting you on January 6th!!!

    Mary Suarez Hamm
    Director of Hispanic Family Life and Leadership Development
    Office of Pastoral Ministry and Social Concerns
    Archdiocese of Washington
    5001 Eastern Avenue
    Hyattsville, Md. 20782

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Mary! I have always heard the marriage/trinitarian idea explained in terms of a new physical life created, which you can imagine was a difficult point for me. But thinking of it in terms of the two becoming a whole new reality is fascinating and makes much more sense for my situation. And truly, I can see that in my marriage, though it hasn’t been very long yet. I have never heard of Gabrielle Bossis, but I LOVE reading the words of Our Lord to various mystics, so I will have to read this. Thank you! I look forward to meeting you as well. How fitting that it will be on Epiphany!

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