This week, we made the tough decision to put off our adoption plans until we pay off more of our debt. Based on our calculations, this means at least another year before we can fill out our first application.

On the one hand, I know it’s the right decision. With more money in our pockets, I’ll be in a good position to be a stay-at-home-mom, or at least a mom who gets to work from home part-time, or volunteer in a museum. I can concentrate on becoming a writer. And I’ll have another year to figure out if there is a career out there for me. That is all great stuff, and I can live with that.

On the other hand… times like these make me want to run outside and scream, “Why can’t we have babies just like every-f-ing-body else?!”

I hope the neighbors appreciate my restraint.

Another year.

How can you live in the moment when something you want seems so far away?

I’m no stranger to waiting. Our engagement was 2 years, and not by our choosing. At the end of it all, we were able to see how many wonderful blessings came in that time.

I hate that we are doing this again now.

I hope that the people in my life will understand that even though I’m trying my best to focus on finding work I enjoy, making my home beautiful, and getting healthier, I have a huge hole inside of me. And if I’m declining baby shower invites, skipping new baby visits, and crying in the pew when surprise baptisms happen at Sunday Mass, it’s not because I’m not “happy” for them.

It’s because this weight is too much to bear.

I know this year will be good. I know there will be wonderful things to come. I am grateful for a real chance to improve my life. I trust that God has a plan.

It doesn’t make this any less difficult.

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6 thoughts on “Trusting in Two Steps Back

  1. Sweetie, I completely understand. Waiting is never fun, and I have done a lot of it in my life. It would be really helpful if I could just do something amazing without waiting for once. But… I suspect the Good Lord is trying to teach me that Patience is a virtue. It takes me a while to get the idea…

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  2. Hey Connie, this is such a hard thing to do!! I hope you don’t mind me saying that I understand at least a little bit: we’ve waited to apply to adopt until we moved to an approved home, my dh got a job, and our savings are at a place we’re comfortable with not just for adoption expenses but also to not deplete our savings, have some leftover for a future home, to help our ailing parents one day, etc. etc. It is *such* a slog so many days, thinking “when is the happy ending finally going to arrive?” but I also am very comforted by the thought that we are preparing a solid, stable home for our future child, and that is a real act of love. So, hugs and encouragement to you and James! Your lives are fruitful already. And I pray during this time of waiting that your home becomes that much more ready for a little one.

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