Pslam 139:13-14
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
“For you created my inmost being…”
I was born without a uterus. And though I never consciously blamed God for this, of course he allowed it to happen—and that is something that needs reconciling.
While I never knowingly said, “How could you, Jesus?” I know that deep down, part of me used to think that maybe this disease was a result of neglect on his part. I have thought, many times, “God forgot to give me a uterus.” I know that others, in their situations, have thought similar things: “Maybe God forgot to make a plan for me,” or “maybe God forgot to keep an eye on me, and that’s why this happened.”
The truth is that he never turned his eyes away. He never neglected me (or you) for even a second. He made us, on purpose. He did, actually and truly “knit me together in my mother’s womb.” And you are, in fact, “fearfully and wonderfully made.” He created you—every part of you—and you were never a mistake. You are his child, and he loves you more than you could ever imagine.
Tales from the Valley 
Sometimes, being single feels like a rejection from both God and man. No man is interested AND God forgot to make a plan for me. Thankfully, I feel like that less and less, but it has definitely been a struggle at times.
LikeLiked by 1 person
**hugs** God definitely did NOT forget to make a plan for you. He made you, he was there when you were born, when you fell off your bike, when you came home from school, when you spent Friday night alone with Ben&Jerry. He’s been there every single moment and you are so special to him! But I know what you mean. 😦 I was thinking about this the other day… I think so often, when our life doesn’t fit the storybook, we forget that there are so many possible happily ever afters, and an infinite number of ways for the story to go. And yes so often we look at those people with a perfect prince charming and 5 kids and wish we had their life…but then, we forget that, very likely, someone is looking at our life and wishing it was theirs. I started reading the Imitation of Christ for the first time this week, and all the stuff it says about how the life of the Christian is full of sorrow and suffering is comforting in a way I never imagined. It’s definitely helping me right now. I wish we lived in the same state so we could get coffee. 🙂
LikeLike
This is so beautiful. So many times when I told people how discovering our permanent infertility made me feel, they responded with a flat, “He has a plan.” Uh, thanks. Do I actually matter in this plan? I felt unwanted and abandoned. It seemed like everything I tried to do during that time was effectively shut down, like He didn’t want what I had to give.
Finally, someone heard about our situation and after acknowledging how difficult it must be, she said, “Wow, He has you picked out for something special. He would never let you endure this without the perfect reason, and it is going to be amazing.” I was slightly stunned by this unprecedented response, but her warm smile and confident words have carried me through times when I wasn’t sure if I mattered to Him.
That conversation was truly a turning point for me. My life now is not a consolation prize or an ‘instead’. My marriage is just as fruitful, and I have just as much purpose in this world as a mother of 10. I’m just navigating some dark waters and needed someone to share a little light with me – to guide me and to show me that my life is filled with blessings that should not go unappreciated just because they look different from other peoples’.
You are wonderfully made, and you have been a light to me 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow, thank you so much Anna! I feel so wonderful that my blog has been a light for you. ❤ You hit me with the "life now is not a consolation prize"- I think it has been building in me for the last few months that adoption, to me in my life right now, feels like a consolation prize. I want to find what I'm truly meant for. I want to find the life that is really what he made me for, not the "instead" or "plan b". I feel like if I were to adopt right now it would feel to much like a consolation prize, rather than what I was born to do. This is the journey I'm on now, finding that meaningful vocation.
LikeLike
It can be difficult to trust like that – putting down something good in favor of….you don’t know, but you’re certain this is the right thing to do. I came into our current work overseas with a lot of fear and negative expectations. I think I was using this fear to defend me from more of the same disappointment and rejection we had faced in trying to have children – biologically and through adoption. But along the way I am discovering that this fear does not protect me. It keeps me from loving the way I am called to love. This experience has been like trust boot camp. And I don’t think I’ve graduated yet. Right now, I think the most important thing is that I show up every day to learn more.
Something that I had to think about early in our IF journey was the idea that we may never have any children. People always discounted this idea as ridiculous, but it’s a real possibility. Adoption is our only available route, and there is no guarantee that anyone will choose us. I can’t spend my life gritting my teeth, waiting for something to give me and my marriage meaning. I had to learn that with or without children, my marriage is life-giving and I am exactly who I was created to be. Even now, years later, it’s not easy sometimes. But my tiny, fragile trust – my mustard seed, if you will – is all He needs to make my life and marriage explode with grace.
Hang in there, love. You are not alone here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Meant to include this. My mother in law sent it to me the other day. From S. Faustina’s diary:
“The graces of My mercy are drawn by means of one vessel only, and that is trust. The more one trusts, the more it will receive. Those that trust boundlessly are a great comfort to Me, because I pour all the treasures of My graces into them (Diary, 1578).”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much! I love St. Faustina’s diary. I’ve kept it on my nightstand since college. ❤
LikeLike