This year, James and I hosted our first Thanksgiving. My parents and sister came to our house, and everything was wonderful. We have so much to be thankful for: each other, our continued “newlywed” status (almost 3 years in), our home, our parents and siblings, our trip to England this year, and my new job, which is a total gift from God. After 6 years I am finally doing what I want to do, AND it’s right across the street from a cathedral where I can go to daily Mass on my lunch break. Wow. What a blessed year!

You’ll notice I left out the adoption stuff on our gratitude list. Not long after started the process, something began stirring in my soul. That something, I am convinced, was God. What we were doing (domestic infant adoption) just didn’t feel right. At least not now. I can’t help but feel that there’s something else he wants us to do, at least for now. Maybe we’re supposed to be foster parents. Maybe we’re supposed to wait a few years before adopting. Maybe we’re supposed to adopt internationally. Or maybe we’re supposed to do something radically different, like become missionaries for a while.

I don’t know what it is we’re supposed to do, but I know it’s not domestic infant adoption. At least not now. Every day I’m praying more than I ever have, and going to Mass. So far, the overwhelming message is “Wait.” I have no idea what he wants from me, but I keep asking. And waiting.

And it’s frustrating. It’s frustrating not knowing what to do next. Part of me wishes God gave us this message before we paid money to an adoption agency. But I know he has his reasons. Maybe I just wasn’t open before. It’s also frustrating being the only one without a baby… but also knowing that I cannot adopt simply just to “fit in.”

Yesterday, as per tradition, we put up our Christmas tree. Instantly, my heart breathed an overwhelming sigh of relief. Finally, it’s time to start getting ready for Christmas. And everything is better at Christmas, because having that tree in the living room reminds me that Jesus is here. It reminds me that God loved us so much that he became one of us, and he lives, and he is with us, and he is here in this home. And everything is going to be alright because nothing, absolutely nothing, can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ.

3 thoughts on “A Light in the Darkness

  1. Praying for you in the midst of this figuring out what God has in store. It’s tough, for sure! I love your perspective on having the Christmas tree in the house, and I will try to keep that in mind this season. I just put mine up tonight.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just now reading this post, and I cannot say “I feel you” strongly enough. Thinking of you during this time of discernment.

    “It’s also frustrating being the only one without a baby… but also knowing that I cannot adopt simply just to “fit in.”” I can hardly tell you how many times I have said this. In our circle of friends and family, we and one other couple are the only ones left who want kids and don’t have any. I’d love to adopt, but I want to do it because that is what we are called to do, not because I want to fit in. We did try to adopt, and it went pretty badly. It has been challenging to ask Him what we are supposed to do and not be afraid of the answer. It is getting easier, though, as I learn ever so slowly to trust.

    I hope no one says this to you, but don’t let anybody look down on you for “giving up.” When we stopped pursuing adoption, a few people said that to me and didn’t understand how I could feel sad about not having children if I wasn’t doing everything in my power to get some. If your heart is open to that still, small whisper, you will go just where you should. Though it may not look like what you or anyone else expected.

    My tiny tree reminded me of this too this year. He is here whether I have my life together or not. He has come into the darkness to bring forth new life in surprising ways.

    Warmest of thoughts for you as you listen for His voice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Anna. Listening to and trusting that still, small voice is definitely a challenge. Right now I really do feel like he’s telling me to hold off on adoption and just trust. I think part of my problem too is that I spent 12 years thinking it’s either be childless or adopt, so I need to adopt, rather than thinking about whether I really actually am being called to adoption. Right now I just feel like I don’t want to adopt. I don’t know what that means… but I’m trying to trust. I think “trust” is definitely going to be my word for 2016.


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