Sitting in my living room during the Blizzard of 2016 seems as good a time as any to finally write my first blog post of this year.

2015 was the year of dreams. In just 12 months, by the grace of God, I accomplished all this:

  • I did the Whole 30 twice and lost 27 pounds between January and September.
  • We fulfilled my life-long dream of visiting England. I’ll never forget it as long as I live.
  • I finally became a full-time writer! I love my new job writing marketing content in the heart of Washington, DC.

If you’ve been following here, though, you know there have been some internal struggles. We started an adoption home study, then stopped, all because I froze and didn’t feel right about it. And I stressed over it, a lot. So much that I gained 20 pounds in the last 3 months. Ouch.

After months of serious, consistent, intense soul-searching, we’ve decided to postpone adoption all together. How do I feel about this? Relieved. Sure, I’m a little uncertain about what it means to be a married, childless Catholic. I always assumed that not having a uterus meant that I was therefore meant to adopt. I have learned now that this is not so. And while it is sad to know I will be childless (at least for now), it is also liberating to know that God is in fact leading me on HIS path. Yes, liberating. I feel free. Relieved. Peaceful. My path was not His path, and now I know that. Having handed Jesus the wheel (thanks Carrie Underwood), I am now free. Which leads us to my theme word for 2016:

TRUST.

It’s a little terrifying scary when you know that your life has to change, that you have to give something up that is good, but not for you. It’s almost like breaking up with that long-term boyfriend that’s just not the one. It requires a lot of trust-something that I don’t really have, but I’m working on. I mean, really, why can’t my path be a “normal” one-marriage, kids, family, etc.? I would be so nice to just fit in. But I know that that is not for me, not now. Instead, I’ll be focusing on my health, my new career, my marriage, my house, my relationships, and my faith. I know this is where I’m called to be. And there is peace.

Romans 8:28 ❤

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9 thoughts on “When your path isn’t His path

  1. BOOM this is such a big thing for me, too. And realizing that the feeling of struggle isn’t God not loving you, but you struggling against his loving path. I really feel for you with the adoption process; we just helped a close pair of friends through it and it was so painful and joyful at the same time. Everyone’s pacing is unique, so I hope you get to a place of peace about pausing the study whenever you feel you need to! Great to meet you on Twitter! I am a marketing writer (freelance) in Richmond, so it’s starting to feel like a tiny, tiny world on the Catholic internet :-).

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    1. Wow, it IS a small Catholic internet world! I’m so happy to make your acquaintance. 🙂 Adoption is definitely a mixed bag of emotions. I think with us, we noticed that it was nearly 100% pain, stress, and feeling like it wasn’t right, and almost no joy, whereas our friends who are adopting right now at least felt some sense of joy, or excitement, or that they were called to it. That was a big sign for us that now is definitely not the right time. It’s hard to give up- we’ve already done a lot of paperwork, and spent money- but I think that is where trust comes in.

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  2. For a while, I also thought that since we cannot conceive, we were automatically called to adopt. But I too experienced so much more peace when we stopped pursuing adoption even though I still felt sad about our childlessness. I don’t know what we will do in the future. But you are right. Letting go of our own plans is incredibly liberating.

    It can be hard when other people say that what you are doing is not “a normal thing for married people to do.” But is being normal really our highest calling? I encourage you not to feel like you have to walk around defending your decisions. Even people with good intentions can make you feel exhausted with their probing questions and suggestions. You don’t owe people explanations.

    It can, indeed, be scary to walk this path of trust. Shortly after we arrived to teach English in Asia, I remembered the words of Papa B: “The world promises you comfort. But you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness.” And I thought, “WAaahhahahhaahhaaa! I don’t waaannaa be great!!! What is wrong with a little comfort?!” That trust requires quiet perseverance every day. Leap into His arms at each moment and let Him carry you on a spectacular adventure.

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you, especially for this “I encourage you not to feel like you have to walk around defending your decisions. Even people with good intentions can make you feel exhausted with their probing questions and suggestions. You don’t owe people explanations.”
      I’ve seen that I really do need to live my life differently- no more worrying about other people, or about anyone’s expectations. That’s part of the reason I gave up Facebook for Lent. No more worrying about the world. Fixing my eyes on heaven. Working on becoming who I was meant to be. And yes, AMEN to this: “Leap into His arms at each moment and let Him carry you on a spectacular adventure.”
      Thank you so much for this. I feel so blessed that you read my blog. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  3. Facebook is not an infertile wife’s happy place. I did a major internet fast 2 years ago. I only checked email and read 2 or 3 edifying blogs. It was amazing. After that, I unfriended almost everyone on Facebook. I made sure I had email addresses or phone numbers for the people I was going to delete and told them what I was doing. I only kept immediate family and my friends who live out of town (especially other countries since it is a free way to keep in touch) and stayed in the IF group. So much better! I was soooo tired of the false sense of connection. I was looking at all the perfect parts of everyone’s lives and not actually talking to anyone. In our current location, I can’t look at it at all. Of course, there is no one right way to do it. But if you’re looking for suggestions, that helped me.

    Oh, man. I totally feel you. I (still) worry too much about what other people think and have spent tons of time and energy trying to get them to understand. And I’m just tired of it because I only have so much time and energy. And I want to do something more worthwhile with it. Being basically by ourselves on the other side of the world has offered me a fresh perspective on…everything. I haven’t suddenly become perfect, (HA!) I just have more room to think.

    I am glad this encouraged you 🙂 I read 2 of your older blog entries today, and although it totally sucks that any of us has to go through this, it is an immense comfort not to have to do it alone. Thank you for encouraging me.

    PS I made sure to include “at each moment” because even though He carries me, I do a lot of kicking and screaming and have to leap again. And I’m finding that He delights in these little reunions lol.

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  4. Hi Connie Ann, thanks for following my blog. Sending you Catholic sisterly love all the way from the Philippines!! And i’m looking forward to getting to know you more.. Take care! ☺️

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