Half Agony, Half Hope

Half Agony, Half Hope

August 2015 has been the most stressful month of my life to-date. That is a fact. On August 1, we started the adoption process (yay!). On August 6, I learned that I am being let go on October 6 (?!?!). I could go into lots of detail about both of these things, but suffice it to say that, in the words of my beloved Jane Austen, “I am half agony, half hope.” I’m trying so hard to focus on the hope. And so, I wrote this:

The Tightrope

They say the way is narrow and lined with rocks.

It’s narrow alright, and on either side, a terrifying chasm.

It’s a rickety bridge of ropes and broken boards,

And at the canyon’s bottom, sharp rocks and rushing water,

But my Lord is holding my hand.

He’s walking with me, carrying me,

And I am trying not to look down.

He asks me, gently, to fix my eyes on him

As he leads me across this tightrope

Above the never-ending abyss.

He whispers that I will not fall,

And commands his angels to guard below.

I do not know the way,

Or how long it will take,

Or how much more difficult the journey will be.

But I do know that I can close my eyes,

And worry not, because he is with me always.

My Lord will lead me home.

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How I’m Getting My Life on Track

I am a list-writing fanatic. A compulsive lister.¬†Whenever I feel stressed out, I find myself frantically making lists. To-do lists, goal lists, lists of things that make me happy, lists of things not to eat, lists of future lists to make… it goes on. Last night, I finally figured out why.

Last night, my mom and I dinner with our cousin, who happens to be a health coach. We’re going to start a 6-month program to get ourselves healthy. The great thing about this program is that it’s not just about dieting. It’s about taking your whole life into perspective and realizing what you need to do to be healthy mentally and physically.

During this meeting, I figured out why I gained 15 pounds in the last year. Prior to Nov 2010, I was a freelance SEO writer, I worked out daily (often at the local park) and I cooked a LOT¬†(usually healthy food) to relieve stress. Now, I have a sedentary¬†job that¬†I don’t love, I don’t have a home to go back to, and¬†if I want privacy with James or with my mother I have to go out to dinner. I no longer have a private kitchen to cook in so now¬†when I get stressed, I give into cravings. WOW. What a life style change! With¬†all the stress making me feel¬†hopeless, making lists is my frantic grasp at taking control. I try to organize my life on paper since it’s so disorganized in reality.

So what now?

I’m really excited to have a health coach for 6 months. I’m looking at¬†this as having¬†someone to help me stay on track with exercising,¬†choosing healthy stress-relief¬†outlets, and learn some new, better ways of eating.

The minute I got home, I made a list (no surprise)¬†of healthy stress-relievers: exercise, prayer, writing, blogging, organizing my room,¬†and making lists. I’m so excited to start this new¬†program. 6 months from now, I’ll be interested to see the final results!

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em

Everything is changing, and there’s almost nothing I can do about it. Ever feel like you’re just treading water, not getting ahead, but it’s getting harder and harder to keep your head up? That’s me right about now. I’m generally pretty happy, and I still am. It’s just that my life is starting to change in ways I disapprove of. Solution?
If you can’t change change, then maybe create some more changes. Negative, uncontrollable change can¬†make me¬†feel helpless, put-out, neglected, and depressed. Positive, purposeful, self-induced change makes me feel like I’m in charge again.
I’m finding that little, insignificant changes can do a lot for¬†my morale. Maybe I can’t change the fact that I’m probably not going to have my same lifestyle for much longer. I can’t change the fact that it’s hard to get a job these days. But, I can take up new hobbies, read new books, and start writing that novel I keep talking about. I can make little, positive changes that make me feel more like myself. I can start doing the things I’ve always wanted to do but never actually did. It doesn’t take a lot of money or luck to start making some of my dreams come true, and THAT is a change I can look forward to.